


Want You More Each Time

by cassiopeiasara



Category: The Bletchley Circle, The Bletchley Circle: San Francisco (TV)
Genre: 5+1, F/F, Five Times, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Post-Series, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25595857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiopeiasara/pseuds/cassiopeiasara
Summary: In the beginning it's a convenient way to pass the time. Just an arrangement between friends but as the years go by, it becomes so much more.
Relationships: Millie Harcourt/Jean McBrian
Comments: 24
Kudos: 66





	Want You More Each Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rainshaded](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainshaded/gifts).



> A/N: This is all ddefenestrate's fault. I think you'll catch all the context of all the times but this is an order just in case: Pre-Series, Post Millie traveling, Post s2ep4, San Fran ep 1, post San Fran ep 4, and post San Fran Finale. Thank you to rikubean and monitorofnothing for feedback and letting me bitch about writing this. Title from Gloria Estefan's "Here We Are". Hope you enjoy!

I. The “Last” Time

Jean knows she should have said something sooner but it’s hard not to be selfish with Millie laughing against her neck. This is always Jean’s favorite part of their arrangement. Millie thinks, very inaccurately, she has the upper hand and celebrates too early. Jean’ll flip their positions in a moment and the minute Millie’s back hits the door that chuckle will turn into the kind of moan that never fails to thrill her. But Jean can’t bring herself to do it. 

Not yet. 

She needs this. It’s the best part of Millie. The severity of war, two dead brothers, and a missing cousin have reminded Jean that there is no time to pause. There will be an end somewhere and Jean is doing her part to help. Millie, though, Millie reminds Jean that she’s still a woman. Millie reminds Jean that her dry wit is appreciated and she can be silly even as Jean rolls her eyes and denies how much Millie amuses her. Millie shows Jean that she’s allowed to have fun and forget about the broken heart Jean came here with. 

Jean sighs and closes her eyes taking in every part of this moment. The way Millie’s hair brushes her collarbone and the tantalizing way Millie’s fingertips graze her scalp. Millie briefly pulls Jean’s ear lobe through her teeth and Jean almost forgets she plans to flip their positions. 

Millie smiles against Jean’s neck. “Finally admitting you can’t resist my charms, Jean?”

Jean huffs and bites her lip to suppress a moan. She isn’t ready to let Millie know how much she affects her. (She ignores of course that Millie is a clever girl and the past couple of months have shown Millie is well aware of her effect on Jean.) 

Jean flips Millie then. Her hands lift Millie’s skirt so swiftly that Millie’s breath catches instantly. 

Jean lifts an eyebrow. “You really should take care not to underestimate me, dear.”

Millie licks her lips. “Indeed.” She takes a few shaky breaths as Jean’s fingertips tease the edge of her knickers.

Jean closes her eyes as she leans up to kiss Millie’s chin. Thankfully, Millie slumps against the door adjusting for Jean’s height. It all works so well and this is why Jean should say something. She should let Millie know the truth but Millie whispers _Jean_ with such desperation that Jean forgets every should in her mind in lieu of her want. 

Later as they lay spent on Millie’s bed, Jean sighs and finally breaks the news. 

“I was given a new assignment this afternoon.”

Millie snuffs out the cigarette she shouldn’t be smoking in their room. Jean has never been one for smoking but because it’s so linked to Millie now, she’s almost fond of the smell. It’s ridiculous really because this is only a bit of fun. Nothing more and nothing less. Dwelling on Millie’s quirks will get her nowhere. 

“Oh? What exciting department are they sending you to?”

Jean sits up and fiddles with her fingers for a moment. “S.O.E.”

Millie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh you should have told me this was a celebration. We could have had wine or gin.” She reaches for Jean’s arm and Jean stands up. 

“It comes with a promotion too.” 

Millie covers up a flash of disappointment at Jean’s standing with a smile. “That’s lovely.”

Jean sighs. “I’m sorry, Millie, I should have said so before. It means I’ll outrank you so we can’t--”

“Oh Jean, when have you known me to play by the rules?”

Jean shakes her head. She doesn’t actually know Millie that well and that was the point, wasn’t it? “Well, I do.”

“Oh,” whispers Millie as she nods, “a goodbye then.”

Jean climbs into her own bed and shrugs. “To this bit. You never know, we might be assigned to work together again.”

Millie gives her a long look then a smile that is almost sad but no less genuine. “I am happy for you, Jean.” She pauses and turns out the light. “I hope I see you again.”

_Me too_ , thinks Jean but she can’t bring herself to say it. 

II. The Reunion

Millie lingers outside the library and wonders if she’s made the right choice. All she knows is she wants to see a friendly face. She pulls her arms around herself and braces against the early evening chill. She’ll have to get used to this again. She sighs and squints amongst the passersby on the street. Strangers, all of them, and for the first time in a long time, Millie has had enough of strangers. 

She looks down and swallows thickly hoping the action might somehow fight the loneliness that has seeped into her very bone. She doesn’t like to need anyone else but gosh it would be nice to know she’s not alone. She wants someone to remind her that she’s cared about even if it’s small. Jean’s postcards were a lifeline through all those bouts of sobbing in Africa when she realized Susan wasn’t coming and in India when she knew she couldn’t continue. 

“Good night, Gretchen.”

Millie springs up at the familiar voice and catches her breath at the sight of her. She almost cries in relief. She longed for someone familiar and Jean is forever the definition. Her clothes are exactly as Millie remembers along with her bun and purposeful gait. The spectacles that hang around her neck are new and Millie tries to ignore the way her heart accelerates. She is particularly fond of spectacles. 

“Jean,” she whispers loudly. 

Jean stops under a lamp light and turns. “Millie?”

Millie smiles. “Miss me?” 

Something Millie can’t quite decipher passes over Jean’s face. She takes Millie in as if she can’t quite believe she’s real. “H-how did you get here? W-where did you--”

Millie threads her arm through Jean’s and hopes she won’t scoff at the over familiar gesture. Jean doesn’t step away which is promising. “A very long train from, well, it’s a long story and I’d like to tell you over a drink if you don’t mind?”

It takes Jean a few moments to answer and Millie worries that her hope has been for nought. Though there was a distance when they met again in the war and everything with Susan, Millie thought they were at least friends but now she wonders if Jean really meant goodbye on VE Day. 

“Would it be too much trouble if we go to mine? Mary Ann needs me.”

Millie tries her best to hide her surprise. It should have occurred to her that Jean might have someone else. “Oh, of course, will she mind me just—“

Jean shrugs. “It’s hard to tell what she does and doesn’t mind.”

Millie furrows her brow and considers a rain check but she is tired and even if Jean isn’t as available as she’d like, at least she will have been granted the friendly face she wants. 

Millie almost cries from laughter when she meets Mary Ann. 

Jean tilts her head as she sets a bowl down. “What’s gotten into you?”

Millie holds her middle as the tabby cat eats her dinner. “I, I’m sorry, I,” she pauses and finally manages a full breath, “thought when you said her name that she was, well, a sweetheart of some sort.”

Jean’s eyes go a bit wide as she shakes her head. “Oh.”

Millie folds her arms and leans against the doorway of Jean’s kitchen while Jean pours their drinks. “Is it such a ridiculous thought?”

Jean’s shoulders tense a moment before she relaxes. “Tell me about Morocco.”

Millie takes the drink and lets the statement drop but she can’t shake the feeling as they catch up that there’s something Jean isn’t saying that Millie so desperately wants to know. 

Jean’s cheeks are slightly flushed after an hour or two and it makes Millie think of things she really shouldn’t. “Well, you have had quite the adventure.”

Millie shrugs. “Yes, but it’s not exactly how I planned.”

Jean reaches out a hand before changing her mind and placing it in her lap. “What ever is?”

“I am glad to see you, Jean.”

The corners of Jean’s mouth tilt up in what would be a smile if she’d let it. “Where are you staying?”

“A hotel tonight and flat shopping tomorrow. I have a few interviews for waiting tables. Not the most intriguing of professions but it’s a start.”

Jean nods slowly. “Why don’t you stay here tonight?”

Millie wonders if it’s the late hour or a hope she’s been trying to ignore all night that unleashes the butterflies in her stomach. “Oh Jean, I couldn’t ask that of you.”

Jean rolls her eyes. “You didn’t ask. I offered. I know it’s not much but it’ll be cheaper than a hotel at least.”

Millie reaches out to squeeze Jean’s arm. “Thank you.”

The next few moments would remain hazy even as Millie tries to recall them in the coming days but before she knows it, she’s in Jean’s bed kissing her glorious neck and confessing how much she’s truly missed her. Jean’s touch is as gentle as it is firm and her memory of all the places that drive Millie mad is solid as ever. 

They both sport a few new scars and freckles and some part of Millie wishes she knew a way to ask about Jean’s. It’s slower than it’s ever been and Millie is grateful that there is no need to rush even if she’s aware that a next time is not guaranteed. She laughs when Jean taps her lips and asks if she’ll ever learn better patience and the way Jean’s eyes crinkle in amusement is almost a better gift than the orgasms. 

Later, Millie opens a window and Jean pulls on the spectacles Millie knows she’ll dream about. 

Jean tilts her head, the soft glow of her lamp giving her face a dreamlike quality that Millie tries not to linger over. “It’s good to see you, Millie.” 

_I missed you too_ is what she means and Millie is glad that not only can Jean still read her body so well but Millie can still decipher the sentiments Jean never quite explicitly states. Millie smiles and leans her head against the window. 

III. Comfort

“Goodnight, Seamus,” whispers Jean before she closes the bedroom door. She offers Millie a small smile as Millie sits on the bed they’ve shared the past week. “Not too bad for a week’s work.”

Millie hums and nods weakly but doesn’t look up at Jean. Jean tries and fails to ignore the slight ache in her chest. She understands Millie has been through one hell of an ordeal but she had hoped, however naively in retrospect, that finding the sisters so soon would bring back some of the light in Millie’s smile. 

When Millie’s silence continues, Jean goes about getting ready for bed. She knows Millie will speak when she’s ready. Space is the very least she can give her especially after-

Jean shakes her head and is immediately reminded of what a headache her pins are giving her. She opens the small box she keeps them in and allows herself a private smile. It was a gift from Millie. She stayed with Jean after the hospital just a couple of months ago and brought the bright red box declaring that Jean needed to liven up her vanity space. 

_And then you told her she was stupid after getting kidnapped for God’s sake_. Jean sighs and wishes she could tell Millie so many things like how much she knows she’d just retreat into herself if Millie didn’t remind her so often that she exists among the living. Words are only ever hard for Jean when they are her own and she can’t quite grasp why it’s so hard to tell Millie of all people what she thinks or how she feels. 

“You should wear it like that more often.”

Jean drops her brush and before she can bend to get it, Millie is handing it to her. “Thank you,” she says as she takes the brush. She knits her eyebrows. “I should wear what more often?”

Millie offers a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Your hair.”

Jean rolls her eyes. “It just gets in the way.”

Millie places a gentle hand on Jean’s shoulder. “May I finish for you?”

Jean almost protests but Millie could ask for her to go skinny dipping in the Thames right now and Jean would agree. “If you like.” 

Millie holds the brush still for a moment. “I don’t have to, Jean, if you don’t--”

Jean shakes her head and smiles softly at Millie’s reflection in the mirror. “Please.”

Millie nods and begins. It reminds Jean of her recovery only with much less bickering on her part and an absence of gossip on Millie’s. Still, it’s a comfort all the same and Jean feels slightly guilty for it. It’s Millie that needs looking after now, not her. 

Millie is done much sooner than Jean would like. She smiles at her through the mirror and this time, she almost looks like herself. It offers only a small validation of Jean’s hope but it means everything. 

Millie pats Jean’s shoulder. “There you go.”

Jean doesn’t know what possesses her but she gently takes Millie’s hand and kisses it. “Thank you, dear.” 

She means it as a friendly gesture at first but her voice comes out surprisingly laced with emotion. She turns to look up at Millie, whose soft eyes are staring at their still joined hands. Jean almost drops hers immediately when Millie runs her thumb lightly over Jean’s fingers. She squeezes Jean’s hand before she kneels and places her head in Jean’s lap. 

Jean stills slightly as Millie starts to whisper. 

“I’ve been such a fool in all of this, Jean. A damn fool and those girls, I just…” her voice trails off and for a moment, Jean wonders if she might cry again. 

Jean hadn’t missed the quiet sobs the first night they were in Glasgow and she wonders if Millie even remembered it as she slept but just as Jean held her then, she reaches out her hand to rest on Millie’s head now. She strokes her hair tenderly. 

“You saved them, Millie. You saved both of them and every other girl we found in London.”

Millie reaches out to squeeze Jean’s waist. “I’m sorry for pulling you in. I’m sorry for all of the stress when you’ve only just recovered.” 

Jean shakes her head as she continues to stroke Millie’s hair. She wants to explain that there isn’t anything Millie could need that she wouldn’t happily provide especially after they’ve been through so much. 

“I can’t say you don’t liven things up quite surprisingly from time to time.”

Millie turns her head then, tilting her chin up slightly. “But I bet you’d trade just a typical night out for chasing slave traders and crooks.”

Jean shrugs. “You never know.” She tucks a stray hair behind Millie’s ear. “Ready for bed?”

Millie hums and stands. Jean looks away as she dresses. She knows Millie wouldn’t mind if she saw but once again, she feels she owes her this space. When Millie climbs in and turns off the light, she’s much closer than Jean anticipates. 

“Jean?” She calls softly. 

Jean turns to her. “Hmm?”

Millie reaches up to cup her cheek. “Do you think we could…”

Jean raises her eyebrows. “Are you sure?” 

She feels Millie start to stroke her thumb along Jean’s cheek. “Please. I need,” she pauses and sighs, “but I don’t want to ask for too—“

Jean kisses her then. She doesn’t need to know the reason though she can guess it’s part of the comfort Millie seeks. She lets Millie set the pace. It’s much quieter than they’ve been in a while, mindful of her cousin’s home. Millie pulls her on top and Jean tries not to linger over how lovely Millie looks in the moonlight. 

Millie cries when she comes, whispering Jean’s name like a benediction and pulling her so close that Jean is sure there’s not an inch of her body that isn’t touching Millie’s. 

Jean holds her and hums against her, hoping it’s soothing and anywhere near what Millie wants. When Millie calms, she flips them. If it were any other time, Millie would joke about having finally won in pinning Jean under her but she just looks at Jean like she holds the key to salvation and shows her gratitude in well versed touches and kisses that leave Jean’s skin tingling. 

Once Jean’s breathing evens out, Millie does the one thing she’s never done before. She curls into Jean rather than keeping her distance. Jean finds she prefers it. 

IV. Novelty

Millie grabs Jean’s hand as soon as the housekeeper leaves. She winks and hopes that she hasn’t completely overextended Jean when she asks, “shall we try the beds?”

Jean raises her eyebrows. “I thought we were here to solve a murder.”

Millie shrugs. “Murders technically and we can multitask.”

Jean sighs even as she follows Millie into the bigger bedroom. “We should really be getting on in finding this Sargeant and--”

Millie drops her hand and waggles her eyebrows. “I didn’t think you were ever the type for a military man.” 

Jean opens her mouth again and Millie acts quickly. She’s in her slip before Jean can take a breath. Millie thought the giddiness of having Jean by her side would have subsided by now but she can’t help her thrill. Rather than blow Millie off on what might be a dead end, Jean is standing here with her and agreeing to help. It fills her with a warmth and gratitude that she wishes she contained the words to explain. This is a language she’s better versed in and she only hopes Jean understands. 

Millie saunters over and starts to unbutton Jean’s blouse, pausing after the top buttons. 

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to but I thought you could use--”

Jean wraps her hands over Millie’s and rolls her eyes. “I think there’s been a bit too much emphasis on what you think I could use.”

Millie almost drops her hand. She knows she’s too earnest sometimes and can be a bit hasty when trying to push Jean’s limits. The last thing she wants is to be overwhelming. 

Jean squeezes Millie's hands before she can pull away. “I suppose once won’t hurt.”

Millie chuckles and knows no matter how temporary their time here, it won’t be just once. It hasn’t been just once in three years though Millie tries not to dwell on what that means. Jean is her friend, the absolute best and while she can’t deny the benefits of stumbling into bed together regularly, she won’t lose her. She refuses to. 

“Millie?”

Millie shakes her head and smiles down into Jean’s gorgeous brown eyes. A light in them that Millie always wants to bring out. “Hmm?”

Jean arches an eyebrow, her spectacles slipping down her nose slightly. “Never were one for focus were you?”

Millie rolls her eyes and goes back to undressing Jean. “I’ll show you focus, McBrian.”

Jean’s chuckle seems to fill up the room as they tumble into bed. Millie wonders if the sight of Jean splayed out underneath her will ever lose its excitement. As she makes her way to Jean’s breasts, she decides it won’t. Millie muffles Jean’s screams with her kisses and is allowed a self satisfied smile after Jean comes for all of two minutes before Jean climbs on top of her. 

When they both lay next to one another catching their breath, Jean’s face grows serious in a way that makes Millie want to hold her and never let go. 

“Do you really think we can do it?”

Millie resists kissing her forehead and offers a warm smile. “We can do anything.” She pats Jean’s shoulder and sits up. “Let’s find some food before we scout out the club.”

Jean nods and climbs out of bed. 

V. Celebration

Jean is smiling as she unpacks the rest of her clothes. Just as Jean suspected, Millie rushes in to lean against the doorframe. 

“Did you really go swimming in your knickers?”

Jean nods and puts her last pile of clothes away. “We almost froze half to death though.”

Millie walks in and taps her fingers on Jean’s dresser. “Any other planned skinny dipping adventures with your new admirer?”

Jean tilts her head and would, if she didn’t know any better, almost wonder if Millie is jealous. “Not that I’m aware but you never know.”

Millie hums as she crosses her arms. “She is bright, eager, and charming.”

Jean sits on the edge of her bed. “With a hell of a right hook.”

Millie bites her lip. “Are you truly only staying for her?”

Jean furrows her brow. “For Hailey?”

Millie nods and focuses on Jean’s shoulder. “It wasn’t enough when I asked,” she whispers in a voice so soft that Jean barely catches it. 

Jean shakes her head. “I do like having new friends and despite the cuisine, I appreciate the new environment.” 

She wonders how much she should say. How much she might explain that facing an uncertain future in a new place with Millie is preferable to a predictable life in London. How much hearing Millie’s voice as she stood facing a gun was a steadying force she couldn’t live without. 

“Good reasons,” comments Millie. Her voice is louder but there’s something still maudlin about her stance. If Jean didn’t know Millie as well as she does she might almost call it petulant.

Jean rises and steps in close. She tilts her head in order to finally catch Millie’s gaze. “It wasn’t enough when I asked either.” 

It’s almost too close to a conversation Jean is afraid to have but if she’s committed to a new life then a bit of courage ought to come with it. 

Millie lifts her hands up and lightly holds Jean’s shoulders. “I don’t want to be without,” she pauses and drops her hands. “I am glad you’re staying. No matter the reason.” She turns and claps her hands, the sorrow from her eyes giving way to amusement. “We should celebrate.”

The mischievous twinkle in Millie’s eyes is a bit disconcerting. “What did you have in mind?”

Millie chuckles and taps Jean’s eyebrow. “You could do without the nervous twitch. Now that I know you’re up for skinny dipping, I need to up the ante.” She runs out of the room and Lord help Jean as she runs after her. 

“Now Millie, I had just experienced a near death—what is that?” She stops short at Millie pulling out a bottle from beneath the sink. 

“Bourbon I got from Archie. I knew any gin wouldn’t compare to yours and I thought if I had to send you off, it should be in style.” She grabs two glasses and smiles. “Luckily I don’t have to send you off.”

Jean tilts her head and crosses her arms. “Your way of upping the ante is to do something we do all of the time?”

Millie chuckles as she sits on the sofa and pats the seat next to her. “We’re going to play a game.”

Jean sits down slowly. “What kind of game is that? Strip poker?”

Millie winks. “No, I’ll save that one for later though. We are going to take a look at this,” she pulls out a map of California, “and the first one to correctly guess the direction of a city they’ve never heard of can pick our next holiday.” 

Jean takes a sip of bourbon. “A pretty short game.” She leans closer to peer at the map. “And when are these holidays occurring? We don’t even have jobs yet.”

“Oh, come on, Jean,” sighs Millie. “Dream with me a little.”

Jean shrugs. “Should I be offended that you’ve conceptualized a game you know you’ll win?”

Millie clinks their glasses and takes a sip. “Oh this is good and you’re not that bad at maps.”

“Yes, but it’s not a skill I perfected during a war.”

Millie laughs and it makes Jean’s heart skip a beat. “This is true but I get the feeling you did more research about our new home than I did so I’d say we’re evenly matched.”

_If only that were true_ , thinks Jean. She shakes her head. They’re living together and planning for the future. It should be enough. It can be enough. 

Jean loses of course but she can’t bring herself to care because Millie is twirling around the room to songs on the wireless and listing all they’ll do on their next two holidays. They’ve hardly finished a drink between them but Jean’s head buzzes as if she’s six in. 

Millie is a hurricane and Jean has never been safe from getting pulled in. She thinks perhaps that’s why she hadn’t resisted years ago the first time they fell into bed together or any time in between. Jean knows chaos is more seductive than she ever admits and Millie’s particular brand is irresistible. 

“Dance with me, Jean,” says Millie softly though her arms are swinging wildly at her side. 

Jean shakes her head. “I’ll only disappoint with this leg and my lack of rhythm.” 

Millie rolls her eyes and takes Jean’s hands, pulling her up easily. “You won’t.” She sets one of Jean’s hands on her shoulder, causing Jean to move in closer to keep it there and holds the other one gently as Millie’s other hand settles between Jean’s shoulder blades. She leans down to whisper in Jean’s ear. “And I’ve no complaints about your rhythm.”

Jean suppresses a shiver and focuses on keeping time with Millie. Her strain must be noticeable because Millie pulls her closer before whispering again. 

“I’ve got you, Jean. You can trust me.”

Jean lets herself melt then. There’s really no other choice. She pretends for a moment that it only took Millie’s asking to get them here and that it came from something more than just keeping her oldest friend around. She’s not sure how many songs they dance to but eventually Millie steps back. 

“Not too bad I hope,” says Jean. She prepares to let go and venture to her room when Millie squeezes her hand.

“Come to bed with me,” requests Millie in a voice only a step above a whisper. 

Jean knows she should draw a boundary now. There’s no telling where things might go with that Detective Bryce or any other person who is bound to strike Millie’s fancy while they’re here. Jean’s heart will break of course but that’s a place she knows well and Millie’s friendship always suffices. She opens her mouth to say no when Millie steps forward and cups her cheek. 

“I understand if you don’t want to but I,” she sighs and Jean wants to know why there’s such anguish in her eyes, “think it might be nice.”

Jean thinks about how easy it would be to kiss Millie’s palm but resists. “Are you sure?”

Millie kisses her forehead so tenderly that Jean aches. “Yes.”

Jean nods and kisses her with a fervor she doesn’t usually allow herself. She holds tight as Millie matches her and wraps her arms around Jean’s shoulders. Perhaps this is the last time. The true last time and if it is then Jean wants it before it’s gone. In the morning, she will pretend as she does every time that it’s just convenient and fun but for now, she lets herself feel how much it means. 

I. Love

They don’t talk about it when Millie never moves back into her room after Jean’s nightmares stop. They haven’t reached for more than a hug in the night but when the need is gone, they’re still together. Millie stops seeing Bryce beyond get togethers with everyone present. Jean looks surprised the first few Saturdays after her nightmares end when Millie stays home but she says nothing of it. Millie almost wishes she would. It would be easier then. 

Millie knows she can’t go back to before. She can’t pretend anymore that Jean means less than she is. There have been other times like Jean getting shot and the man with the gun in the woods where Millie imagined a world without her best friend. It wasn’t as if the loss never felt great but this time, this time Millie’s entire world felt wrong. 

Losing Jean would have been like losing a limb. Millie is furious with herself really for not seeing it sooner. Jean means more than any new adventure or thrill Millie could chase. Here in this new home they’ve built together, Millie has never felt more sure of anything. 

Or more terrified. 

Which is why each evening as she pops in from work, picks Jean up from watching Cadence and Dennis, or watches Jean cook, read and mend their clothes, she hopes Jean will say something. She waits for an opening to admit everything no matter how Jean might not feel the same. Millie thinks she at least owes her the truth. 

It’s one evening when Millie walks in with a slice of apple pie and a smile where she gets her chance. Jean is sitting at the dining room table with two glasses, her spectacles near her elbow and her head in her hands. 

Millie sets her things on the sofa and rushes to her. “What’s the matter?”

Jean looks up, her eyebrows slightly raised. Millie realizes she must have surprised her. “Oh, it’s nothing wrong. Happy news really.” She tries for a smile that’s almost convincing.

Millie hums. “Tell then.”

Jean nods to the glasses. “Hailey came by to tell me she and Amanda have hit it off.”

Millie crosses her eyebrows for a minute. “The young girl who works in the dress shop?”

“One and the same. She,” she pauses and puts her spectacles back on, “wanted to tell me before I heard it from Amanda.”

Millie nods slowly. She leans an arm on the table and places her chin on her palm. “If it’s happy news then why do you sound so odd?”

Jean fixes her with a look that would normally make Millie laugh but she knows it’s meant to be a distraction. “I do not sound odd.”

“You do,” says Millie as she reaches out a hand in time to stop Jean from getting up. “Does it upset you?”

Jean shakes her head. “Why on Earth would it upset me?”

Millie shrugs. “I know how flattering her crush must have been and you--”

“I didn’t tell you that.”

Millie chuckles. “You didn’t have to. The girl went skinny dipping with you and dropped everything to help me find you. Not to mention, I know the signs.”

Jean tilts her head. “Of what?”

Millie knows she has options here. She could just answer _of being in love_ or even _of seeing someone in love with you_. Jean had her share of admirers (even if she might have been unaware) in the war and since. Millie opts for the hardest option though. 

“Being in love with you.”

Jean gives her a long look. “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

Millie sighs. “Don’t you?” This would go so much easier she thinks if Jean doesn’t play at being daft.

Jean takes off her spectacles again and stands up, causing Millie’s hand to fall to the table. “You don’t have to pretend, Millie. I know it’s just because we’ve had a scare and you’re not thinking like--”

Millie scoffs as she gets up and walks to Jean. She leaves a small space between them just in case this dissolves into some sort of quarrel they can’t get out of. “I am thinking, Jean. God, that’s not even it. I know. I know because when someone took you from me, I could only think of how to get you back. I know because I can’t think of going anywhere you won’t follow. I know because for the first time in my entire life I don’t dream of traveling off to some exotic place every few months. I only want to be here in this place, this flat with you.”

Jean shakes her head and turns. “But you’ll want to leave, Millie. You always want to leave and I can’t,” she stops and blinks, “I won’t just be some sort of layover when you want to just…” 

Jean turns to her bedroom and moves almost faster than Millie can chase. Almost. 

“I love you,” admits Millie just a step behind her. 

Jean stops in her doorway, a trembling hand set against the frame to hold her still. “What?” she whispers. 

Millie steps around her into the room they’ve shared the past two months. The room she never wants to leave. “I love you.” she raises a hand to cup Jean’s cheek. “I honestly do and I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to believe me.”

A tear falls from Jean’s eye as she looks up at Millie in astonishment. “Millie if this isn’t real I--”

Millie nods, feeling moisture start to pool at the corners of her own eyes. “It’s real.” She catches Jean’s next tear with her thumb. “I’ve wanted to tell you for ages but I couldn’t, I--”

Jean turns her head and kisses Millie’s palm. “Me too you know?”

“Hmm?” asks Millie as Jean takes Millie’s other hand in hers. 

Jean runs a thumb over Millie’s knuckles. “Earlier when you said I sounded odd, it wasn’t because I was upset over Hailey. I was jealous of her ability to admit something I haven’t had the will to.”

Millie tilts her head as Jean pulls her gently inside the bedroom. “Oh?”

Jean kisses her then and Millie knows it’s as much of an explanation as she’ll get. It’s fitting really and if Millie had only chosen to really look at Jean’s every choice since spending her money on a steamer halfway around the world, she might have seen it sooner. Their clothes come off in a frantic rush reminding Millie of the first time but once they’re completely discarded, she and Jean still. There are no more secrets, no more pretending and instead there lies a newness that’s as frightening as it is exciting. 

“Millie,” whispers Jean as her fingertips trace Millie’s collarbone. 

“Yes,” replies Millie. Her voice shakes in a way that surprises her and she’s scared it might ruin things for a moment. 

Jean pulls her close and slowly kisses her from her jaw to her cheek. She hovers above Millie’s lips. “I love you.”

Millie’s heart bursts as she presses her lips to Jean. 


End file.
